Ugh. Today started great. I had a great day all day long with Eric and his family, then BAM! Wrong-o. All of a sudden Eric and I are in the middle of the all time dumbest fight you have ever heard of. Our anniversary is on Sunday. Already one year into marriage. That flew by. His parents bought us a BOSE ipod dock for our bedroom. The reasoning- He loves to listen to music while falling asleep, and I am used to sleeping in silence. We have had a clock radio, but it picks up very few channels. We have been falling asleep to the likes of Miley Cyrus. Terrible. I've put up with it for a year. Another thing I HATE about that clock radio is how bright the lights are on the clock. I have trouble sleeping. Maybe it's because I still feel a little bit like I'm in a hotel because I'm not used to this as my 'home.' Maybe it's because our house was robbed last summer. I don't know. I just have a struggle falling asleep every single night. One night it's the firmness of the bed. The next night, my pillow is just the most uncomfortable thing I have ever felt...I can hear the little murmur of the motor inside the ceiling fan and can't get it out of my mind...Eric is snoring and sometimes it sounds like he's going to stop breathing and it freaks me out...the toilet won't stop running...etc etc etc. I struggle to say the LEAST.
So, they gave us the BOSE today. YAY! I've been looking forward to it all year. The clock radio will be OUT of here. We will put the ipod in and have nice calming classical music or jazz to fall asleep to. Perfect. Plus, the light will be gone. Two of the many obstacles that I tackle each night will be gone. I swear, I unplug the clock and Eric flips his switch. "I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS. YOU MIGHT NOT NEED TO KNOW BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAKE UP (referring to my unemployment phase...) BUT I DO. He yells all of this. He wants the clock to stay. It's bizarre on so many levels. He never usually yells, for one. Secondly, he can look at the time on his phone which will be two inches from his head. So, not a big deal, right? Wrong. He's pissed about it, and I'm pissed that he's pissed and not being understanding. Now it's not even about the stupid clock. Now I'm FURIOUS that he had to throw it in my face that I don't have a job. Does he seriously think that I WANT to be unemployed? No one wants that. Can he not put himself in my shoes? He's a sweet guy, but I do wish he was better at trying to put himself in my shoes sometimes. I am not comfortable sleeping in our home for ten million reasons, why wouldn't he invite the opportunity to help me settle in here? I don't know.
Our arguing needs some work too. We are not in sync. He is calm as can be (usually, although he was different today.) and I am so animated that I can't keep my voice down. I KNOW I sound like a total witch and that some of the things I say are irrational and ridiculous sounding. Most of all, I know I need to tone it down and stop yelling. Be an adult now, Jacqueline. I am telling myself these things in my head as angry word vomit pushes its way out of my mouth. I can't help it today apparently. I was yelling.
I'm aggravated to the 10th degree. I'm in the bedroom blogging on our laptop with the door shut and he's in the living room watching the Braves. It is probably the worst fight in our entire one year of marriage, and it happened two days before we're supposed to be all lovey dovey on our 1 year anniversary. I know he'll wake up tomorrow and act like it never happened and I'll still wake up mad. I don't know which is worse. We need to close the book and give some closure on the subject or I can't move on but he just wants to move on without resolving it.
UGH. I can't wait for this night to end. Tonight, I'll have trouble sleeping because I'm angry at my husband. Every time his foot accidently touches mine under the covers I will cringe and my blood will boil. Why? This all happened because of an old CLOCK RADIO? Are you kidding me?
Friday, July 22, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I wore a black and white dress.
Most days come and go and I usually slap some kind of vague description onto what type of day I thought it was. "Great." "OK." "Terrible." Most days take on one description. July 16th will always be a confusing juxtaposition of sorrow and happiness for me. One of the most important people in my life, my sister-in-law Jessica, celebrates her birthday on this day. Thank God she was given to this Earth. She means so much to me, even though I doubt she knows it. I celebrate that gift. On the other hand, I remember one of the other most important women in my life.
Last year on July 16th, my Aunt passed away after a long bout against Leiomyosarcoma. It is a very rare kind of cancer. She battled bravely for eleven years until one year ago today. With the thanks of many people working tirelessly, we had her for those extra years when she was originally given six months to live from the date of her diagnosis.
I'll never forget the look of pain and sadness on my father's face the day he told us his only sister and best friend had cancer, and that it didn't look good for her. That was one of the hardest days of my life. It's hard for me to see my hero, who is normally so bulletproof, so shaken. But he and Aunt Mary turned it around, became positive and decided they were going to stand together and beat it. They did. I've never seen two people so close and united.
I had started to take it for granted. That she would always beat her cancer, because she always had. You start to forget how lucky you are to still have this angel in your life. You get complacent and stop counting your blessings. How silly you feel when you are jolted back into reality.
I had forgotten about that terrible, wretched day, that I watched my father search for the words to tell us our Aunt was about to have a very real and awful struggle. I forgot about it until last year. Her cancer had come back several times, but each time, she kept fighting, and kept winning. It took a terrible toll on her body each of those times, but never on her mind. I was standing in the kitchen at my parents' house. I was standing with my back against the stove. My dad was standing on the other side of the island, right in front of the phone. My mom, on the other side up against the bookcase. We were all gabbing about some silly wedding detail. My wedding was coming up in July. We were laughing and enjoying each other when the phone rang. No big deal, the phone always rang. This call was different. My dad answered, listened for a few seconds, and struggled with the conversation. It didn't last long. Someone had called to tell him that her cancer was back, but she wasn't going to fight it this time. He hung up and burst into tears, which is something I am not used to at all. He and mom hugged for a long time and he managed to choke the news out to me.
"What do you mean?" "She always fights it." I just didn't get it. It didn't take long for her to go downhill. We visited her in the hospital in Boston several times until finally she decided she wanted to be at home. July 16th came. My wedding was in 9 days, but none of us were thinking about that, and I didn't care. I felt selfish to think about myself when someone I loved so much was fading quickly. We got the call that she had passed.
A pillar of strength. A courageous warrior. Yes, she was all of those things people always say of cancer survivors. But she was so much more. She is the most selfless person I have and will ever know. Regardless of what was going on her with her life, she was always an eternal optimist and seemed to beam no matter what. I just remember her smile. I'm glad I can still picture it so clearly in my mind.
A couple days later, the Phaneuf family all dressed in black, headed to the Beers & Story funeral home for the wake. What a special day. I know that sounds weird, but I had no idea just how many lives my Aunt had touched. There was a waiting line that stretched out the door and around the block. People were telling us they had been waiting over an hour. It was such a sad day, but we laughed a lot. We shared great memories and remembered her the way she would have wanted us to. The funeral followed up the next day. Those are the two hardest days of my life. I wore a black dress.
That Saturday, I woke up, got my hair done, and put on the most beautiful white dress you have ever seen. There was sadness that she was not there with us. My dad and I shared a special hug and moment where we looked at each other and thought of her. I thought of her all day. I wore a pin of hers on my flower bouquet that looked so great. The forecast for my wedding had not looked so great. It rained while we were in the church, but I promise it was the most beautiful rain I had ever seen. Right after the ceremony was over, the rain stopped and the most beautiful sky came out for the rest of the day. I knew it was because of her. I know she could have lived longer, but let herself go because she didn't want to mess my wedding up. That's just how she was, and how she is. She looked out for us and still does.
Her college roommate and best friend Ruthie gave me a little gift that she probably thought would mean nothing to me. She said it reminded her a lot of my Aunt. It's a little plaque and it says "Live well. Laugh often. Love much." Above the words, there is a picture of three pine trees and there is a single white dove flying under the sun. I kiss my hand and rub the dove every morning. I guess I pretend the dove is my Aunt. It reminds me how special life is. I decided I would hang it right next to my mirror in my bathroom so I would think of my Aunt every day, and I do. She certainly lived a wonderful life. She did do all of those things. I look at those simple words and because of my Aunt and that plaque, I strive to live my life the way she lived hers. I know I'll never come close. She was the best. I know in my heart she was never meant to be here long. God put an angel on Earth for my family and he just needed her back.
I miss you so much, Mary Ellen Phaneuf Anton. I can't believe it's already been a year. I think of you every day and you are still guiding me to be a better person even in your absence. <3
Last year on July 16th, my Aunt passed away after a long bout against Leiomyosarcoma. It is a very rare kind of cancer. She battled bravely for eleven years until one year ago today. With the thanks of many people working tirelessly, we had her for those extra years when she was originally given six months to live from the date of her diagnosis.
I'll never forget the look of pain and sadness on my father's face the day he told us his only sister and best friend had cancer, and that it didn't look good for her. That was one of the hardest days of my life. It's hard for me to see my hero, who is normally so bulletproof, so shaken. But he and Aunt Mary turned it around, became positive and decided they were going to stand together and beat it. They did. I've never seen two people so close and united.
I had started to take it for granted. That she would always beat her cancer, because she always had. You start to forget how lucky you are to still have this angel in your life. You get complacent and stop counting your blessings. How silly you feel when you are jolted back into reality.
I had forgotten about that terrible, wretched day, that I watched my father search for the words to tell us our Aunt was about to have a very real and awful struggle. I forgot about it until last year. Her cancer had come back several times, but each time, she kept fighting, and kept winning. It took a terrible toll on her body each of those times, but never on her mind. I was standing in the kitchen at my parents' house. I was standing with my back against the stove. My dad was standing on the other side of the island, right in front of the phone. My mom, on the other side up against the bookcase. We were all gabbing about some silly wedding detail. My wedding was coming up in July. We were laughing and enjoying each other when the phone rang. No big deal, the phone always rang. This call was different. My dad answered, listened for a few seconds, and struggled with the conversation. It didn't last long. Someone had called to tell him that her cancer was back, but she wasn't going to fight it this time. He hung up and burst into tears, which is something I am not used to at all. He and mom hugged for a long time and he managed to choke the news out to me.
"What do you mean?" "She always fights it." I just didn't get it. It didn't take long for her to go downhill. We visited her in the hospital in Boston several times until finally she decided she wanted to be at home. July 16th came. My wedding was in 9 days, but none of us were thinking about that, and I didn't care. I felt selfish to think about myself when someone I loved so much was fading quickly. We got the call that she had passed.
A pillar of strength. A courageous warrior. Yes, she was all of those things people always say of cancer survivors. But she was so much more. She is the most selfless person I have and will ever know. Regardless of what was going on her with her life, she was always an eternal optimist and seemed to beam no matter what. I just remember her smile. I'm glad I can still picture it so clearly in my mind.
A couple days later, the Phaneuf family all dressed in black, headed to the Beers & Story funeral home for the wake. What a special day. I know that sounds weird, but I had no idea just how many lives my Aunt had touched. There was a waiting line that stretched out the door and around the block. People were telling us they had been waiting over an hour. It was such a sad day, but we laughed a lot. We shared great memories and remembered her the way she would have wanted us to. The funeral followed up the next day. Those are the two hardest days of my life. I wore a black dress.
That Saturday, I woke up, got my hair done, and put on the most beautiful white dress you have ever seen. There was sadness that she was not there with us. My dad and I shared a special hug and moment where we looked at each other and thought of her. I thought of her all day. I wore a pin of hers on my flower bouquet that looked so great. The forecast for my wedding had not looked so great. It rained while we were in the church, but I promise it was the most beautiful rain I had ever seen. Right after the ceremony was over, the rain stopped and the most beautiful sky came out for the rest of the day. I knew it was because of her. I know she could have lived longer, but let herself go because she didn't want to mess my wedding up. That's just how she was, and how she is. She looked out for us and still does.
Her college roommate and best friend Ruthie gave me a little gift that she probably thought would mean nothing to me. She said it reminded her a lot of my Aunt. It's a little plaque and it says "Live well. Laugh often. Love much." Above the words, there is a picture of three pine trees and there is a single white dove flying under the sun. I kiss my hand and rub the dove every morning. I guess I pretend the dove is my Aunt. It reminds me how special life is. I decided I would hang it right next to my mirror in my bathroom so I would think of my Aunt every day, and I do. She certainly lived a wonderful life. She did do all of those things. I look at those simple words and because of my Aunt and that plaque, I strive to live my life the way she lived hers. I know I'll never come close. She was the best. I know in my heart she was never meant to be here long. God put an angel on Earth for my family and he just needed her back.
I miss you so much, Mary Ellen Phaneuf Anton. I can't believe it's already been a year. I think of you every day and you are still guiding me to be a better person even in your absence. <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)