Most days come and go and I usually slap some kind of vague description onto what type of day I thought it was. "Great." "OK." "Terrible." Most days take on one description. July 16th will always be a confusing juxtaposition of sorrow and happiness for me. One of the most important people in my life, my sister-in-law Jessica, celebrates her birthday on this day. Thank God she was given to this Earth. She means so much to me, even though I doubt she knows it. I celebrate that gift. On the other hand, I remember one of the other most important women in my life.
Last year on July 16th, my Aunt passed away after a long bout against Leiomyosarcoma. It is a very rare kind of cancer. She battled bravely for eleven years until one year ago today. With the thanks of many people working tirelessly, we had her for those extra years when she was originally given six months to live from the date of her diagnosis.
I'll never forget the look of pain and sadness on my father's face the day he told us his only sister and best friend had cancer, and that it didn't look good for her. That was one of the hardest days of my life. It's hard for me to see my hero, who is normally so bulletproof, so shaken. But he and Aunt Mary turned it around, became positive and decided they were going to stand together and beat it. They did. I've never seen two people so close and united.
I had started to take it for granted. That she would always beat her cancer, because she always had. You start to forget how lucky you are to still have this angel in your life. You get complacent and stop counting your blessings. How silly you feel when you are jolted back into reality.
I had forgotten about that terrible, wretched day, that I watched my father search for the words to tell us our Aunt was about to have a very real and awful struggle. I forgot about it until last year. Her cancer had come back several times, but each time, she kept fighting, and kept winning. It took a terrible toll on her body each of those times, but never on her mind. I was standing in the kitchen at my parents' house. I was standing with my back against the stove. My dad was standing on the other side of the island, right in front of the phone. My mom, on the other side up against the bookcase. We were all gabbing about some silly wedding detail. My wedding was coming up in July. We were laughing and enjoying each other when the phone rang. No big deal, the phone always rang. This call was different. My dad answered, listened for a few seconds, and struggled with the conversation. It didn't last long. Someone had called to tell him that her cancer was back, but she wasn't going to fight it this time. He hung up and burst into tears, which is something I am not used to at all. He and mom hugged for a long time and he managed to choke the news out to me.
"What do you mean?" "She always fights it." I just didn't get it. It didn't take long for her to go downhill. We visited her in the hospital in Boston several times until finally she decided she wanted to be at home. July 16th came. My wedding was in 9 days, but none of us were thinking about that, and I didn't care. I felt selfish to think about myself when someone I loved so much was fading quickly. We got the call that she had passed.
A pillar of strength. A courageous warrior. Yes, she was all of those things people always say of cancer survivors. But she was so much more. She is the most selfless person I have and will ever know. Regardless of what was going on her with her life, she was always an eternal optimist and seemed to beam no matter what. I just remember her smile. I'm glad I can still picture it so clearly in my mind.
A couple days later, the Phaneuf family all dressed in black, headed to the Beers & Story funeral home for the wake. What a special day. I know that sounds weird, but I had no idea just how many lives my Aunt had touched. There was a waiting line that stretched out the door and around the block. People were telling us they had been waiting over an hour. It was such a sad day, but we laughed a lot. We shared great memories and remembered her the way she would have wanted us to. The funeral followed up the next day. Those are the two hardest days of my life. I wore a black dress.
That Saturday, I woke up, got my hair done, and put on the most beautiful white dress you have ever seen. There was sadness that she was not there with us. My dad and I shared a special hug and moment where we looked at each other and thought of her. I thought of her all day. I wore a pin of hers on my flower bouquet that looked so great. The forecast for my wedding had not looked so great. It rained while we were in the church, but I promise it was the most beautiful rain I had ever seen. Right after the ceremony was over, the rain stopped and the most beautiful sky came out for the rest of the day. I knew it was because of her. I know she could have lived longer, but let herself go because she didn't want to mess my wedding up. That's just how she was, and how she is. She looked out for us and still does.
Her college roommate and best friend Ruthie gave me a little gift that she probably thought would mean nothing to me. She said it reminded her a lot of my Aunt. It's a little plaque and it says "Live well. Laugh often. Love much." Above the words, there is a picture of three pine trees and there is a single white dove flying under the sun. I kiss my hand and rub the dove every morning. I guess I pretend the dove is my Aunt. It reminds me how special life is. I decided I would hang it right next to my mirror in my bathroom so I would think of my Aunt every day, and I do. She certainly lived a wonderful life. She did do all of those things. I look at those simple words and because of my Aunt and that plaque, I strive to live my life the way she lived hers. I know I'll never come close. She was the best. I know in my heart she was never meant to be here long. God put an angel on Earth for my family and he just needed her back.
I miss you so much, Mary Ellen Phaneuf Anton. I can't believe it's already been a year. I think of you every day and you are still guiding me to be a better person even in your absence. <3
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